This is my new blog to journal about something new in my life. There is a couple things that I have been trying to make happen for myself for quite some time now. One of those things is to get my teeth taken care of, as they are in a terrible mess. I want to get my mercury filling removed, and have some teeth that I am proud of, and that don't cause me pain or in the case of the mercury, not be slowly poisoned for the REST of my life. It seems that there has been a proverbial "deer thrown in front of my car" from out of nowhere that makes that NOT happen every time I have been almost there. The other thing is that I would like to get started on a lifestyle and diet in order to rid my body of candida. That will be huge, as it will restrict my diet even further than it already is, but mostly difficult because of the lifestyle change being so radical, plus the die-off phase. I'll talk about that more later.
During the winter break I was just on-in other words-out of work, I had a chance to get more organized, especially with planning my finances. I had everything very finely tuned, in order to avoid coming up short, as well as to make my plan materialize, and prepare for losing some subsidy funding in a few months that will dramatically alter my budget. I thought I was doing so well. I didn't consider outside forces that don't coincide with my carefully planned forecast. Yesterday, when I came home from class, I thought I was just going to do some homework, and kind of relax a bit. I was supposed to get my long-awaited grant, and had many important bills waiting to be paid. On the day of dispersement from the college, I saw no grant in my account. I called financial aid, and I was informed that I would not be getting anything. Apparently because of the fact that I failed my Algebra class last semester, I went below a 2.0 GPA for the first time, and my funds were suspended because of this, pending an appeal letter from me. I became frantic and enraged because I was not given an ounce of notice, the rug was just pulled out from under my life the day I was waiting for the lifeboat to save me. I just kept picturing the lifeboat coming to rescue me, and instead running me over and drowning me.
I wrote a letter and ran it down to the college, and asked if things could be expedited, because i was told it would take 4-6 weeks for an answer, and any funding. In those 4-6 weeks, I could be destroyed. In trying to communicate this to the person behind the counter, I got one of those shrugs that says, "I don't really give a crap." I spent the rest of the day and evening in a deep depression, unable to function. All of my best laid plans were gone, just like that.
So this blog will document and experiment a new approach to this seemingly continual chain of tragic events that happen quite often to me. I am going to try not to react emotionally, to stay present, to do what I can do, and not worry and obsess about what is going to happen as a result of being stripped of financial support. On top of that, if I am able, I am going to try and be grateful for what I do have, and try to stay hopeful for the best. Today will be my first day of doing that, and not trying to sabotage my life further with bad energy and habits. We will see how that goes!
